Putting on a smile is all I ever do nowadays when it comes to anything remotely related to my husband’s memory, death or special occasion. I fake it. When I see a relationship status change from single to Engaged on social media, I fake it. When I’m out to dinner by myself and see married couples enjoying the space between them, I fake it. When I don’t get invited to events by married couples, I fake it. When I got stood up on a date, I faked it. When prom season arrives and I have to drive our daughter to the bridal store for a dress only to see all of the lovely brides-to-be, I will fake it. When I have to select “Head of Household”, “Single” or “Widowed” on my tax returns, I fake it. When I have to provide an emergency contact at work or my child’s school, I fake it. When I see other 18-wheeler trucks pass by with the faces of other drivers, I fake it. When I’m in conversation with someone and they have no idea what the term, “widow” means, I fake it. When I see advertisements for married couples retreats, married couples Bible studies or Bible study for singles, I fake it. When I returned to work from mourning your death only to stare at the monitor, I faked it. When I attended the first movie made by an all black cast and knew you would have loved to have lived to see it, I faked it. When our daughter walks across the stage with her diploma in hand and looks over at me with your eyes, I’m gonna fake it. But when I am aged, alone, and can’t seem to remember anything any longer, I truly hope that I have the capacity to simply ... fake it.
- Sabra Robinson